


It Couldn’t Be You

by rosewaterwinter



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anger, Canonical Character Death, Confessions, Dialogue Heavy, Dragon Age Day, Dragon Age Day 2019, Dragon Age: Inquisition Spoilers, F/M, One Shot, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition Quest - Here Lies the Abyss, Romantic Friendship, Slight Canon Divergence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-24 15:28:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21680188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosewaterwinter/pseuds/rosewaterwinter
Summary: Hawke is willing to die in the Fade to save her companions, but apparently the call is not hers to make. Varric pushes Hawke through the rift and sends her back to the fortress at Adamant, leaving her with more than a few choice words for the dwarf. The conversation that comes forth is… not what she expected.For Dragon Age Day 2019.
Relationships: Female Hawke/Varric Tethras, Former Female Hawke/Fenris
Kudos: 65





	It Couldn’t Be You

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this when I realized I—er, my Hakwe—was desperately in love with Varric and I never really intended for it to see the light of day… but, I wanted to celebrate Dragon Age Day and didn’t quite have the time to come up with something new. So here you have it: approximately four pages of my favorite characters arguing and being generally insufferable bastards!

When the hole to the Fade crashed shut, Hawke broke down in tears. Hands on her knees, her body shook with each wracking sob. When she finally found the strength to lift her head, she turned to Varric and glared with a ferocity that would have sent any other man running for the hills.

“Why?” She practically spat the words at him at him. “Why would you do that?”

She stood up and in two swift steps she was in Varric’s space, challenging him with her taller frame. “Why would you let Alistair go? It was supposed to be me!”

Her voice was loud, angry, and Varric could count the number of times he had seen her like this on one hand. None of them had been particularly pretty.

Varric didn’t make a move, and the Inquisitor took a step towards the pair. “Hawke, Alistair was more than willing to stay behind and save us. Maybe —”

Varric lifted a hand, motioning for the Inquisitor to stop. “I don’t think you should get involved in this one, Quis.” His voice was calm.

“But it wasn’t her fault, and if she would just —”

Hawke took a step back from Varric and turned to face the Inquisitor, the glassiness of her tears doing nothing to temper the hardness in her eyes. If looks could kill, this one would be dangerously close to slaughtering her. The glare dug sharp, and Hawke didn’t have to utter a word; the Inquisitor was already backing off.

“Fine,” the Inquisitor conceded. “But I want you to know the only one that resents you for what happened is you.”

Hawke set her jaw and looked away, but didn’t say another word until the Inquisitor had turned and left.

Once she was alone with Varric, she turned her gaze back on the dwarf. Her body remained stiff, every muscle clenched with tension. She spoke through gritted teeth. “You had no right to stop me.”

Varric usually had no problem staying level-headed, but something about the burning anger in Hawke’s eyes was making him lose his temper. “And you had no right to get yourself killed,” he spat back.

“Alistair didn’t need to die. It was my fault he was here in the first place; it should have been me,” she repeated, offering no additional explanation.

There was no arguing with the woman, but he’d be damned if he didn’t try. “Alistair is a Grey Warden. It’s not a secret that a Warden’s life usually ends in sacrifice, and he was willing to stay behind today because of it. Obviously we’d all prefer if no one had to die, but it wasn’t going to be you, Hawke.”

“Then what the fuck am I going to do, Varric? Go back to Kirkwall and rot in the Hanged Man?” The tears were flowing again, but she paid them no mind. “Alistair had a duty as a Gray Warden, sure, but what happened today wasn’t his only responsibility. It’s not like saving our lives should have been high on his list of priorities.”

Hawke paused for a minute, and her voice grew quiet as she continued. “And he had the Hero of Ferelden waiting for him — in fact, she's probably still waiting. I don’t know how I'm going to tell her that the man she loves is dead.”

“The Hero is a Grey Warden too; she’ll understand. She’s strong, and she’ll be stronger knowing what he did to help the Inquisition.” Varric looked at her again, his brow furrowing slightly. “Honestly, I’d be much more worried about how Broody would fair without you.”

“Oh.” Hawke shifted slightly on her feet, suddenly seeming very small. “Fenris and I — we aren’t…”

Hawke struggled to find words, and it took Varric a moment to realize what she was trying and failing to say. Upon figuring it out, he blinked at her in disbelief. “You aren’t seriously telling me you wanted to kill yourself over a guy, are you Hawke?”

Hawke laughed, something deep and deserved. “Maker, Varric, no. It’s nothing like that.” She took a deep breath, finally steadying herself. “We wanted different things. He was willing to chase slavers to the ends of Thedas, and I…”

“You wanted to go back to Kirkwall and spend the rest of your life rotting in the Hanged Man?”

Hawke glared at him again, but this time it was more playful and less threatening. Varric smirked.

“I was going to say that I wasn’t. I just... wasn’t.” She sighed heavily. “What he’s doing is important. I don’t dispute that. And maybe it makes me a lesser person for being selfish and staying behind, but I’m just tired.” She offered him a sort of smile, but it was a sad, weak thing. “I’m tired, Varric.”

“So you figured you’d go out with a bang, and that would be that?”

Hawke shrugged. “Kind of. It certainly seemed like a good idea at the time. But I truly do care for Alistair. I wanted to protect him, if I could.”

They had no way of knowing if their friend was dead yet, but the odds didn’t favor him. If he was still fighting for his life, he probably didn’t have long.

“I have to tell the Hero. She’s lost love of her life, and I have to tell her that he’s gone because I’m still alive.” The tears that streamed down her face now were those of anguish; it was clear that Hawke was in pain.

Varric started, unsure. “I… I’m sorry Hawke. I’m sorry that all of this happened today, but I won’t apologize for saving you.” The words tumbled out before he could stop to think about what he was even saying. “You keep talking about the Hero and how she’s lost someone important to her, but did you ever stop to consider all the people that would have lost you today?”

Hawke snorted. “My family is dead, Varric.”

“Family doesn’t mean blood.”

She looked at him, a questioning expression briefly flickering across her face, but she stayed quiet.

“Family is all of the people waiting for you back in Kirkwall. Aveline, Merrill, Isabela, even Sebastian.” He paused, taking her hand in his. “And me, Hawke. You have me.”

Hawke laughed again, but this time she held a more sarcastic tone. “Everyone has been doing plenty fine without me, you especially.” He quirked an eyebrow at her, but she ignored him and continued. “It’s not like you haven’t been off with the Inquisitor, running around trying to save the world. I’d say you’re probably much better off now, from the looks of it.”

Varric had to take a deep breath to keep himself from losing his temper again. It was unlike him to get so frustrated, but was Hawke really that blind?

“Are you shitting me, Hawke? Do you think I’m out here prancing around, doing this for fun? Excuse me for trying to help 'save the world,' but I would very much like for this shit to end so that I can go back to Kirkwall and get a drink.”

“You’re being ridiculous, Varric. What’s the point of going back to that shithole? After all this?”

“The point?” He stared at her blankly. “The point is that I'll get to go back home to you.”

She looked at him, dumbfounded, and Varric shook his head at her. “You’re an incredible woman, Hawke. You’re also completely insufferable, and my best friend. I... couldn’t lose you today. It would have killed me as much as it would have killed you.

“It’s not like I wanted to throw Alistair out to the monsters, believe me. I didn’t know the guy as well as you did, but I liked him. I hated having to leave someone behind.” He paused for a moment. “But he was completely willing to stay so that you could go, and I think part of that is on me.”

“What do you mean by that?” Hawke’s voice has a new and pointed edge to it.

Varric sighed. “I’m sure he saw my face when you said you would stay behind. I know he did, because that’s when he volunteered to take your place.”

“Varric, I need you to tell me what you mean. Please.” She became unreadable.

He looked away from Hawke, which was uncharacteristic. “When it became clear we had to leave someone behind, you volunteered immediately, and I… I’d never been so scared in my life. I didn’t say anything, but Alistair took one look at me and stepped right out in front of you.”

Hawke’s eyes were runny again, but this time her expression was softer. “So you’re saying that everything was all your fault?” she sniffed.

Varric rolled his eyes and reached out to grab Hawke’s hand again. “Sure, Hawke. You can blame me all you want; I was selfish because I can’t live without you. I wouldn’t know how.”

She blinked back at him, and then broke down into a fit of laughter as if it was the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard. He shook his head, but a smile graced his own face, too.

Hawke offered no more words; it would take some time to process everything that had happened — Varric’s untimely confession included. But for right now, that would have to be okay.

Varric turned toward the horizon, silently signalling that they needed to get moving. Hawke took a decisive step towards him, and Varric responded to the motion with a look that he hoped would be enough to ask her all of the questions he had. Above all else: Are you sure?

She offered him a smile in return.

With a contented shrug, Varric turned to go. Hawke followed closely, never letting go of his hand.


End file.
